every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
