tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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