i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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