I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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