please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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