I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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