Pants 0. Shit 1.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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