I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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