dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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