I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
