can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
