I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
