You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
