pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
