I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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