I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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