I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
