you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
