What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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