I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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