I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
