Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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