____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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