I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
