Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
