Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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