Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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