i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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