i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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