she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
