I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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