get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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