i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
