Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he thought i was a dude.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
