she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
