The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm sobbing to NWA
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
