She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize