what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
