I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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