Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
