Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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