My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
