Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
