Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
A bitchslap is in order.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
