This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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