I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
