Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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