Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Holy shit dude........stairs
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
