for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize