I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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