i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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