there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
