I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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